Procrastination or Inspiration?A Brief Inventory of Unfinished Things
I started writing this post from a large cabin in North Carolina last weekend. I found myself there alone for one whole day, with all the time in the world, excited to get some reading and writing done. Before I could settle, I walked around, tried to find a comfortable permanent spot for the day, realized it was too hot outside, looked for a spot inside, needed coffee, needed to eat, thought for a moment I lost the dog I was watching, panicked, ran around the driveway in socks, found the dog (he was fine, amen), thought about the list of things I wanted to work on, thought about the list of things I’ve started and haven’t finished. But what, oh what, was calling to me now? Because that’s part of the problem, I think? Maybe? Am I procrastinating in “waiting to be called” to work on an unfinished project? Or am I following my intuition, leading with my gut, on what needs to get done now? If I could figure that out, I could make the best use of my time, right? Right?
A desk in the cabin. I could’ve been sitting here! May have caused too much daydreaming. I don’t know. I went back outside.
In my newsletter last week, I offered two writing prompts/portals listed in the image. I wrote in my journal: Things I’ve abandoned, haven’t finished. What if I start finishing them? Here’s an abbreviated list:
library books (usually from an overly ambitious list)
OMG SO MANY ESSAYS
cricut crafts
etsy store
unsent postcards
Free writing about this made me think of 2 things:
Where’s the line between inspiration and procrastination?
How am I defining an unfinished project?
Almost a decade ago, I received a great writing opportunity. I almost immediately bought a Cricut. If you’re unfamiliar with this (amazing) machine, it cuts, it engraves, it handles all sorts of materials. Just look up “Cricut projects” if you’re curious. What did this have to do with writing? Absolutely nothing. Did I need an additional creative outlet for my anxiety? Of course. Am I a “crafty” person? No. No I am not. I can dream up some cool stuff, but my execution is lacking and my patience limited.
People far better qualified have written about why we procrastinate. Off the top of my head, the common reasons I’ve seen are fear of failure, fear of success, perfectionism, ADHD, and other mental health struggles that can cause executive dysfunction. As someone with what feels like a list of mental health diagnoses, my general anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder (MUCH improved thanks to therapy and Celexa) have felt like some of the bigger obstacles I’ve had to overcome to reach certain goals. I initially didn’t want to tell people I was starting an MFA program because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to finish it. I was afraid of the derailing. Of life happening. That I did finish, and with a full draft of a manuscript, was momentous for me. It felt like the beginning of me achieving goals I was setting for myself after years of disappointment and what felt like failure.
So much of figuring out what works for me has been about interrogating myself with curiosity. It’s taken years to not beat myself up, to be kinder to myself, to live by the phrase I was saying to everyone else: give yourself some grace. So, when the depression or inability to write would strike, often at the worst time in grad school, I turned to creating little digital collages that represented the words I wish I could express. Ideas. I write about things that bring up all sorts of difficult feelings and found so much comfort in surrounding myself with objects I thought were pretty. This turned into me buying stickers, and planners, and a thermal printer to decorate my planners. I had some moments where I thought shit, am I procrastinating again? But realized I was finding so much inspiration and fortitude in these quiet moments of creating something else, something I found beautiful without the need of any outside approval. It felt like abundance after so many years of denying myself things that brought me joy.
I added my Etsy store to the list of abandoned projects because it was supposed to be a little side hustle. It turned out to be more of a full-time job with the part I enjoyed most being creating designs. (I did print on demand. Check out Printify if you’re curious.) I see the store as a failed venture that was fun, that taught me a lot about what I enjoy. It was a pleasant distraction. Work on something hard? Make something nice. Write a difficult memory? Create and share an empowering image. This was a form of balance, but only for a time. With limited time and bandwidth, saying yes to one thing was saying no to another. This became my line between procrastination and inspiration. The store had to go.
I follow a lot of folks on Substack but see it as an Etsy for writers. Not quite a good fit for me. I know that digital claustrophobia feeling. It’s also a little too much like social media. I think it’s great for writers to build a platform and following, to find new readers, the same way Etsy was great in providing a platform for shoppers. Working on a book has been much more all-consuming than I ever could imagine. Being selective of what brings more joy and ease creates a kind of inspiration, versus doing something that is a struggle which will encourage my procrastination.
In that North Carolina cabin, looking for the perfect spot and tending to my needs wasn’t procrastination. Being able to settle into my body in order to calm down helped time extend like sweet taffy. The filter of rush, that thing that causes the fog to take over your thoughts, lifted and suddenly you’re breathing more deeply, each inhale and exhale extending, the written word count and pages read accumulating. Inspiring calm time can be so delicious.
*Tell me, where’s your line between procrastination and inspiration?
